I Nearly Died (and nobody knows)

Part 1

I Nearly Died (and nobody knows)

At least two of you (thanks mum and dad) have suggested that I write a blog and so finally, after months of procrastination I finally have some time (post recovery from operation number eight), to pull my keyboard out and tell you the full, no-holds-barred story of how I Nearly Died. Most of you will...

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Part 2

My Left Tit

I wasn’t anticipating quite as much interest in my tits but I’m very happy to continue milking them (ahem) for as long as I can, it’s not often that you Nearly Die after all, not that I like to talk about it much as you know. I’ve had quite a few private messages and texts...

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Part 3

Fat Shake and Vac.

Thanks again y’all for the huge positive response to the first couple of blog posts. I now know exactly how JK Rowling must have felt when Harry Potter was first published. In fact the mind boggles to think what the response to Potter would have been had Rowling written about blackened witches’ nipples rather than...

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Part 4

A Skin Graft, an Origami Nipple and the Grateful Undead

I’m now getting messages from people (women) asking for the name and contact details of my dishy consultant. Back off bitches- he’s mine! You really think I went through all this shit in order to give him up now? If you haven’t Nearly Died it’s unlikely that he would be interested anyway, he has very...

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Part 5

The One Where I’m Still Not Talking About It

I have to say that I am absolutely amazed by the number of visitors to my website, do you know that there have been over fifteen hundred views since I first published my blog two weeks ago? Obviously I am putting my massive popularity down to my hilarious witticisms and the fact that everyone wants...

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Part 6

Weeble

Hello everyone, I’m sorry to start with some shocking news but in August 2016 I Nearly Died. It’s not something that I like to talk about and until now I’ve been keeping it quiet. However I do feel that my story is an important one so I am putting aside my desire for anonymity and...

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Part 7

Well Fat to Summink Gawjus

I’ve just read through my past blog posts (well someone has to) and I’ve realised that although most of my blog posts are brilliantly entertaining works of literary genius, the last one was WELL BORING. Sorry about that. I pretty much just whinged on about how fat I was for ten minutes and hardly mentioned...

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Part 8

A Marker Pen, a Holding Pen and a Plethora of Nobs

Hello everyone, sorry I haven’t posted any of my hilariously entertaining blog posts for a while. So far the advertising revenue has failed to materialise so there’s not actually much incentive to write this other than to make a significant contribution to the literary canon. Word has obviously spread about how hilariously entertaining my blog...

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Part 9

Warm Blankets and Bandages

I simply cannot believe that not ONE of you has signed up to my desperate pay-per-view initiative. You do know I live in Petersfield right? The cost of nearly living here is astronomical and if you don’t start paying for the privilege of reading about my tits soon then a move back ’oop North to...

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Part 10

Thigh Gap

Gosh you guys have got some stamina- ten posts in and you’re still going strong. The trauma of my Near Death and subsequent saga of my near life must be very entertaining for you- I’m so thrilled that you’re all having such a great time at my expense. Once again literary plaudits have been rained...

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Part 11

Life! Death! Prizes!

Hello everyone! It hurts me to have to tell you this, but sadly the tale of how I Nearly Died is fast drawing to a close and there are only a couple more hilariously entertaining posts left in the series. Believe me, I’m much sadder about this than you are because the money making opportunities that...

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Part 12

Tummy Tucked and Drugged Up

My goodness, I’ve just realised that it’s been over THREE MONTHS!!! since I published my last hilariously entertaining blog post. You must be missing me terribly, I can only apologise. You would have thought that the thousands of emails that have been sent to me begging for the next instalment would have resulted in me...

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Part 13

Ah, ah, ah, ah Stayin’ Awake, Stayin’ Awake

So, this is the one you’ve all been waiting for- the one where I STAY AWAKE DURING SURGERY and I bet you CAN’T WAIT to read all about it. You probably know by now that I’ve also HIT THE BIG TIME and this week my story’s appeared in both The Mirror and The Daily Mail. It...

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Part 14

Sharp Scratch

Hello again everyone. You’re lucky I’m still talking to you now that I’m a proper famous tabloid centrefold what’s been in Chat! The Daily Mail, The Mirror and The Sun. Sadly Phil and Hollie are STILL playing hard to get (c'mon ITV, throw me a frickin' bone here), but I haven’t given up hope. It...

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